Full Quiver Ministries

Part 2:

I want to take the opportunity to say something before I jump back in. The stories I’m telling are mine. I’m interpreting my stories through the lens of my experience and revelation about my life from the Holy Spirit. If these stories offend you, please don’t read it! I am writing these out of obedience to what I feel the Holy Spirit is saying.  I’m only responsible to be honest and truthful, and to follow the lead of the Holy Spirit and share it. I am not responsible for the way you receive or interpret my stories. I understand that we all have a different lens. If you disagree with me, I’d be happy to sit down and talk about it. I feel like we could all find something “better to do” but you’re investing your precious time in me and I’ll forever be grateful. I do appreciate the time you spend reading these blogs! I even value and appreciate the time that you’ve spent reading this disclaimer.

This is going to be very personal and emotional for me to write down. More or less, I’m going to verbally process during the course of this blog and hopefully you guys will benefit from it. If this feels random and somewhat disconnected, it probably is, and this is a look into the workings of my overactive mind. The more I thought about what I wanted to put in this and what I wanted to say through it, the more I felt like the Holy Spirit wanted to go in a different direction. I really wanted to walk through some of the different areas of my life that were molded by my experiences as a sexual abuse survivor, but I’m not going to.  I feel like the Holy Spirit is leading me to walk through what reconciliation could look like when the second party is unavailable or unwilling to talk. So, I’m going to write a reconciliation letter for you to read. First, I have to work myself up, build my courage so to speak, in order to do it.  

A lot of growth has taken place where grief and recovery are concerned. I’ve been blessed to have wonderful teachers and mentors in my life. There are several of their teachings that have altered my thinking for the better throughout the years. Here’s a couple of them:

Chronicling the losses you perceive in any situation is one of the keys to getting through that situation. This teaching is mainly for grief. Knowing what I’ve lost helps me to understand why I feel the way I do where the situation is concerned. Oftentimes I’ll write a list of losses for a given situation. For instance, if a friend dies, part of my grieving is to write out what areas of my life have been affected by the loss and how they have been affected. There’s also different levels, or orders of effect, to each loss. I do my best to map them out honestly. By looking at them in this way, I’m able to gain some perspective on what I’m feeling and why I’m feeling that way. Different losses might evoke different emotions but chronicling my losses and their effects will help to make them manageable. I’m helping myself to not be overwhelmed. There’s a lot of emotions that I’m dealing with through these lists. The lists help me to understand the losses and their effect on me and, most importantly, to understand what request I need to make of Jesus. They help me to know where I need him to meet me. 

Another teaching that I’ve heard in multiple disciplines is the idea of reconciling with your offender. This is something that can be difficult to do. There’s a lot of emotions that go into that! Think about what it would be like to have to meet with the people who have hurt you the most and forgive them, talk about the offense that has come between the two of you. It can be daunting. It’s unfortunately easier to reconcile with people who are no longer in your life, for one reason or the other. 

Take me as an example. My attacker isn’t in my life. He was from a different part of the state and not someone that I’ve ever seen again. It would be nearly impossible for me to find him, let alone meet with him, if he’s still alive. So the way that I’m able to reconcile with him is to write a letter to him. That’s what I’m going to do here. That’s what I felt like the Lord was telling me to do, to do this vulnerable thing in this way as an example for anyone who might need it.  It’s meant to be an example for you, should you need to do the same thing. 

These letters are supposed to be raw and unfiltered. I may be filtering mine a little bit just because it’s going to live forever on the inter-webs. Names are changed for example. The rest of it may not be. As a side note, I’m rambling now to put off the task at hand. 

You’re supposed to write out your emotions. The anger, pain, fear and all of the other emotions you may be feeling towards the individual you are writing to need to be expressed. You need to be honest with Jesus and yourself. Keep that in mind if you’re going to do this. The process can be a little overwhelming. You’re intentionally releasing emotions that may have been pent up for years. Don’t hold back. Holding your emotions back in these areas are part of the issue to begin with. I’m not suggesting that you should act out irrationally, or live in victim-hood. I’m actually suggesting that you process your emotions with Jesus and take back the power in your life. 

I’m having a lot of emotions about this process. A lot of emotions. I’m nervous, frustrated, sad, I’m becoming angry thinking about the parts of my life that were affected by this person. The thought of doing this was so heavy that I’ve been putting it off. I even wrote and inserted another blog in between here. Prolonging what I needed to do. This is something that’s typically very personal and then disposed of. I mean like the process is to write this on a sheet of paper and then burn it, not post it on the internet. I’m having emotions about that too. I did one of these letters when my sister passed. I grieved the relationship that could’ve been more than anything else, and I did one of these to reconcile over the relationship we didn’t get a chance to build. I would’ve burned the letter, except I lost it before I got the chance. I don’t know the logistics of this process other than to say that it helps to put the emotions you’re feeling out there and be honest with yourself. I’ve definitely felt better after doing it than before.  

So, with all that said, all that time wasted stalling, here is my reconciliation letter for Benny.

Benny,

I don’t even know where to begin. You can’t possibly imagine the life that I’ve lived or the things that I’ve had to walk through because of you. I’ll be honest and upfront that I’ve longed for vengeance against you. That’s an idea that I felt like I had gotten over, but writing down just brought the emotions all flooding back. There’s a part of me that wants to believe that you’ve had to suffer for the pain you caused me. I don’t feel like that’s what I’m supposed to think, or feel at this point, and I would’ve told you before this that I didn’t feel that way. I would’ve told you that I had already forgiven you for that. Maybe I need to do a little more work on that. 

You already have taken the best of me. I’ve suffered for years with addictions and never knowing who I was and I feel like I can trace it all back to you and the pain you inflicted on me. This is me writing to let you know that I’ll be taking the things you took from me back. You took my innocence. You took my sexuality. You took my sanity and have damaged my reputation. The crazy part of that is you’ve robbed me of my reputation in that the road I’ve traveled to be whole again has caused me to lose friendships! You’ve made me a thorn to some and a disgrace to others. None of it would’ve happened if you hadn’t molested me. 

Hate is not a strong enough word. Anger doesn’t sum it up. Betrayal doesn’t convey all of the emotions I feel. You’re the bane of my existence. You’ve been the bane of my existence. You’ve been the most powerful person in my life until recently. I was your victim and I couldn’t move forward. That ends now. 

I understand more about myself now than I used to. I feel like I might understand more about you too. I know that hurting people hurt people. I know that statistically child molesters are typically also victims of sexual abuse. I feel like the perversions that exist or existed in you were things that you wouldn’t have asked for, just like me. I never would’ve asked for this. I never wanted this. No matter what rationale you had for what you did you stole my innocence and destroyed my sexuality.

I’m taking back my life from you. Your influence in my thinking is done. Your influence in my relationships is done. Your influence in my family is done. Your influence is over. I may have to tell you that I forgive you every day for the rest of my life, but one day it will be truer than it is right now. 

I forgive you Benny. I choose to release you from my desire for vengeance and I pity you. I’m sorry for the things that you’ve probably endured throughout your life and I forgive you for inflicting your pain on me. 

Goodbye Benny

Well, I could say that I wasn’t expecting the emotions that I experienced while writing this, but that’s not the truth. I didn’t expect them to be as intense as they were, but it wasn’t bad at all. It’s more like the intensity of the emotions drove the honesty in the writing. Plus, there’s a freedom that comes when you have a release of emotions in the arms of Jesus. It’s not tears without purpose or emotions without support. It’s an honest and vulnerable interaction between the Beloved and the Bride.  I wept a lot while I was writing this for sure and I wasn’t expecting that level of emotions. I didn’t hold my tears back. This might be weird for some of you, and that’s OK. The point remains that not feeling your emotions, acknowledging their validity and bringing them to Jesus is the problem. When I bury my emotions, I’m burying something that’s still alive. There’s a callousness to that picture that I intend. I’m burying my call for help. My soul is crying out to be comforted and helped and I’m burying the very thing that will help me achieve the release I’m craving. Release from the pain and anguish I feel bound to. Don’t bury your emotions. Bring them to Jesus. 

Last thing I feel the need to say, find a fellow sojourner. Find someone who understands the struggle you are going through and is not content to stay where they’ve found themselves. The last part is the key because there are plenty of people who understand what you’re going through, but have become victims of the things that have happened to them. They’ve lost or given up their power. If you choose them as your fellow sojourner, you won’t go anywhere. You’ll sink like Artax in the Swamp of Sadness. 

I hope that this has helped. I hope that this brings some clarity and peace to some of you. I hope you’ve gained hope from this! I hope that you’re able to reconcile with the people who have wronged you. Mainly, I just hope. It’s my privilege and honor to be able to hope, knowing there’s One who empowers it. If you don’t know Jesus, I’d love to introduce you to Him. There’s no one else like Him! God bless you guys.